Dear Josh. Please visit http://www.calendarlive.com/tv/cl-et-braxton20aug20.story.
Dear Josh. Stephen Brill wrote The Teamsters and Court TV's Cradle-to-Grave Legal Survival Guide: A Complete Resource for Any Question You Might Have about the Law and is availible at Powell's for seven dollars. You might say he's finishing his trilogy since he has signed a $US1 million deal with Simon & Schuster to write a "sweeping saga" about the September 11 terrorist attacks. And he lives in Katonah, NY where he has a private softball field.
Punched in The Balls
Scene One: Breakroom : depressing no window room, all vending machines for walls, two tables, very harsh lights.
[Ted, Eric, Ken sit at table]
Ken: So this caller was just freaking out, like her life depended on having cell coverage in the middle of the fucking desert! I can't help but think she is some chinese organized-crime mafia lady who needs to call in after whacking some rogue operative. She keeps telling people to stop talking and breaking into chinese. I'm trying to explain that we cover most roads and cities, but the desert doens't have enough density to warrent coverage. She says, "So if there is no road, my phone won't work?"
Ted and Eric: Ha ha ha.
Ken: Then she asks me why. She says she saw on the commercial that we had satalites and 'nation-wide' coverage! So I start explaining cell towers and how that works...
Ted: Holy shit...
Ken: yeah, and then she suddenly wants to talk to my supervisor! I ask her why and she says that she isn't stupid, and she knows how the phone works and that I'm lying to her!
Ted: What?!
Ken: So I explain that I am not lying, and I quote Mike and say, "Ma'm, I would have nothing to gain from lying to you." And finally she starts to accept that being out in the middle of the desert where there is NO ROAD means you might not have cell coverage. Gawd, it was like a 20 minute call just explaining this.
Eric: Bev was handing out those little squishy globes to everyone who had a handle time under 8 minutes. I asked her for one and she just glared at me! It was funny. I think i have the highesthandle time of anyone.
Ted: The whole bag of those is right by my desk, we should fill her cube with them.
Eric: Yeah. Let's do it tonight on the evening shift.
SCENE 2 : CALL CENTER : A room of small cubes filled with people on headsets. Eric and Ted are about four desks apart.
Eric: Thank you for calling WorldTech, my name is Eric, can I get your mobile telephone number please? (pause) And the name of the account? (pause) And what can I do for you Carol? (longer pause) Let me take a look, can I put you on hold one second? Thanks.
-Eric gets up and walks to the water cooler. Starts drinking.-
Ted: Thank you for calling WorldTech, my name is Ted, can I get your cellphone number? (pause) Thank you. And your name? (pause) Okay, and can you verify the account name and billing address for me Steve? (pause) Great. And what are we working on? (pause) No problem, can I put you on hold one second? Thanks.
-Ted gets up, walks over to Eric-
Ted: Hey, what's up?
Eric: Nothing. I'm gonna work some overtime tonight, you in?
Ted: Sure. Let's fill Bev's cube with those "reward balls" (make quotes gesture)
Eric: (smiles) Yeah.
-Both Eric and Ted return to their seats-
Eric: Okay... Carol?
Ted: Thanks for holding Steve.
Eric: Yeah, it looks like the account was shut off for non-payment.
Ted: Well, it looks like a problem with the system on our end.
Eric: No, it doesn't really matter, if you don't pay the bill for three monthes, they will shut off the phone.
Ted: Well, is the problem still present? I mean, can you make calls?
Eric: The past due amount is 3,480 dollars and 22 cents.
Ted: Rather than send a request to the Billing Research department, I can just credit your account for 130 dollars. Yeah, no problem.
Eric: If you want to close the account that's fine, I can help you with that.
Ted: Ha ha, no problem, really it's fine. (pause) Yes! HA ha ha.
Eric: My supervisor's name is Bev. Yes, but I am sure she will tell you the same thing.
Ted: Hey, that'd be great, I'll get her on the line, one sec.
Ted and Eric both stand up and shout: BEV! Supe Call!
Scene 3 : BATHROOM : Ted is standing at Urinal.
A plush globe hits him in the head.
Ted: Hey? What the fuck? (turns but continues to pee)
Eric: I got the whole fucking bag! Ha ha ha! (enters with large trash bag full of plush globes) (throws another one)
Ted: God damn it! Knock it off, I just pissed all over myself.
Ted zips up, picks up ball, throws at Eric. General mayhem ensues.
Bill: (enters bathroom) (gets hit by ball) What the fuck are you two doing!? Shouldn't you be on phones!
Ted: I'm on break.
Eric: Me too. The government mandates these breaks. I don't want to get in trouble.
Bill: What?
Ted: I have an uncle that works at OCEA, he was telling me about a company that got fined 100,000 dollars for not allowing it's employees to take their state-mandated breaks. Are you telling us to not be on break?
Bill: What? No. I just thought... Nevermind. Just clean up these balls. (exits)
Ted: So did he have to pee? Or did he just come in here to check out the bathroom?
Eric: (picking up balls) I have no idea.
Scene 4 : Call Center : Later that day
(team meeting)
Bev: And so we really need to get wrap time and out time down. The other Key Performance indicators are all great, good job on that. Oh, and congratulations to Ted for having a customer so happy he asked for his supervisor to say what a great job he did.
Ted: Just give them big credits and they love you. (everyone laughs)
Bev: Very funny Ted. Seriously people, it's one thing to joke about, but don't let the customer bully you into giving credits. Oh, and let's try to keep the customer happy, the customer is going to be upset when they have phones shut off, so remeber to EMPATHIZE. (looks at Eric) Okay, I'm going home, thanks to those of you doing Overtime, we really need it. I'll see you all tomarrow. Everyone not going on break please get back on the phones... (Bev picks up jacket from cube, walks away)
Eric: Break time!
Ted: Yeah! (throws ball at Eric)
Ted and Eric and Other play catch. This continues as they are on phones.
ADD PHONE DIALOGUE FOR TED, ERIC, AND OTHERS LOUD BUSY TALKING AND BALL THROWING.
Eric throws ball, Ted misses it, it hits GIRL in the face while she on call. People laugh. She continues call (ADD DIALOUGE) and looks pissed.
Eric: Oh shit! I'm sorry!
Ted: God, hey, sorry about that!
Girl: Who threw this at me!
Eric: No, I threw it to him, it was an accident. I'm sorry.
Ted: I couldn't catch it. Are you okay? Sorry... jeez.
Girl: (gets up, walks over to Eric) You threw this?!
Eric: Yeah, hey, sorry. Look, it was an accident.
Girl: (swings and punches Eric in the junk) That's what happens if you fuck with me!
Eric: What the fuck?
Ted: Jesus!
Eric: Fuck. Did that just happen? What the fuck? (leaves cube and goes to bathroom)
Ted: (long pause) (looks at GIRL) Jesus.
Scene 5: Bathroom
Ted walks in. Eric is rubbing crotch.
Eric: Fuck, what was that? She hit me in the balls!
Ted: That was the most emo thing I have ever seen.
Eric: Did it hurt her? What the hell?
Ted: You tossed a foam ball dude. I think she was just pissed.
Eric: What do I do? I can't hit her back, she's just a little girl.
Ted: I dunno.
Eric: Do I tell Bev? She'd probably get fired. I bet I can get her fired. Fuck her, I'm gonna get her fired!
Ted: That's kinda weak man. I mean, she did get hit in the face with a ball.
Eric: So that means she can punch me in the junk? What the hell?
Ted: No, but... I dunno, it just seems like "telling" on her is kind of weak.
Eric: Sure, but I can't hit her back. She can't just hit someone in the fucking balls and have it be okay. That's not cool. Not fucking cool.
Ted: So getting her fired will make you feel better?
Eric: Well, kind of... I mean, justice and stuff...
Ted: What? C'mon, it's revenge and that's weak.
Eric: FUCK! She punched my balls! What the fuck...
Bill: (walk in) Hey, didnlt you guys take your last break.
Eric: Yeah, sorry Bill, my balls are aching so I had to get off the phone.
Bill: What?
Ted: We're on OT, and going home anyway.
Bill: Well, then you better clock out. We're not paying you to horse around in the restroom.
Eric: Oh right, sorry Bill. I fucking forgot. I guess I'll pounch myself in the balls to remember.
Bill: What?
Ted: Let's go clock out. C'mon. (Ted and Eric leave)
Bill: (picks up foam ball) I don't understand those gays.
THE END