Raising Children
Introduction
This is one of the best summaries of how to raise children that I have seen. I am personally interested in it because it seems rooted in Buddhist rather than Christian morality. The distinction for me (and this is a fairly broad generalisation) is that Buddhist morality is focused on what you will do next time, whereas Christian morality is focused on accountability for past actions.
It comes in part from notes taken at a conference with MadelynSwift of ChildRightInc and the copyright probably remains with her. It has come to me by a round about route, through a number of transcriptions and I have added to it and edited it as well. It must be considerably changed from the Childright original so I must also say that all errors and omissions are mine. Nevertheless, it encapsulates much but not all of what I have learned about raising children after more than twenty years of working with them, and the heavens be praised, it is very down to earth. I liked it a lot and I hope you guys will too. -- BrettShand
An afterthought
I was talking with my son this weekend and it occurred to me that often the word 'employee' could be substituted for 'child'. This does not imply that employees should be treated like children, in fact if you become a parental employer you will elicit childish responses from your employees, but what it does mean is that the issues are often similar and can be used to develop a strategy for working though problems that arise at work.
Learning Disabilites & other Neurological Issues
- Much has been learned over the last twenty years about the neurological development of children. I am not an expert on this (at least not any more!) but it is very important to consult properly if you have a child who is misbehaving at school or at home and is struggling to learn. It is now clear that children learn in many different ways, and that for example, problems with dyslexia (a very big coverall term) can be worked with much more effectively than twenty years ago. It is important to recognise problems as early as possible.
A word of warning
- You need to be aware of your own issues. I have seen children diagnosed much too often as ADD or ADHD because parents are unable or unwilling to set appropriate limits on their children. Please make sure you are not trying to avoid your responsibilities as a parent by shifting the blame to your "sick" child. Sometimes making the decisions you have to make as a parent will make you feel like a bad guy. Too bad, that's your job.
On the lanuage I use in quotes
- I have put suggested things to say to children in quote marks. Sometimes they won't fit well in your mouth or they sound as if they've come straight from a social work manual. You're right! Change them to suit you and your family.
About Raising Children
See your child's misbehaviour as a gift. It is a gift in the sense that it let's you see what the child has to learn. Misbehaviour gives you an opening to teach and to talk to the child about what they need to learn.
Two old fashioned rules to bear in mind:
- You reap what you sow.
- Do to others as you would have others do to you.
Your aim in raising a child is to get them to the point where they can make important decisions about their life. Why they choose is as important as what they choose. You need to bring them to the point where they understand that their choice was right because it was the right thing to do.
If you have a two-year old who rides their tricycle into the wall, explain to them and model for them how to stop and how to turn. If they continue they are showing you they are not ready to ride a tricycle. It is cheaper to do this at two with a trike, than at sixteen with a car.
There are two kinds of mistakes that children make - temporary mistakes and permanent mistakes. Temporary mistakes are the every day mistakes: falling down, breaking an arm, forgetting homework, setting aside piano lessons and so on. Permanent mistakes are: being maimed or killed, getting pregnant, going to jail, getting seriously involved with drugs or alcohol and so on. As a parent, as your children grow up, it is your job to steadily teach them so that as you let them progressively go they will have the skills and good enough judgement to avoid the permanent mistakes.
There are five barriers to getting a child to co-operate:
- Blame and accusation: "I knew it was you. You never do it right."
- Belittling: "You'll never learn to do that right."
- Threats: "If you touch that you'll be in big trouble."
- Commands: "Get off, now!"
- Lecturing: "Blah blah blah, how many times do I have to tell you?"
You will use some these, because everybody does. Listen to yourself. Tape yourself if necessary. Which are you most apt to use?
The most important factor is respect for your children. When we model respect for others we get more in return.
Bring older children to understand that if they want you out of their lives all they have to do is behave responsibly. If they act irresponsibly they have invited you back into their lives, and you will do what needs to be done.
Authority is on a gradient. Know your children and apply as necessary.
Use your authority. Authority is different from power. There are two important factors to being authoritative:
- Never start what you can't finish (be careful what you promise.)
- Never back down from what you say (be careful what you say!) This breeds insecurity in some children and merciless testing in others.
Be careful what language you use:
- Do not say please. "Would you please stop touching." This is open ended and can lead to ugly responses. Instead say "It would help if you put your hands in your pockets." Most children like to help.
- Children tend not to hear negatives. So if you say "Don't get wet!" a child will hear "Get wet!" so say "Stay dry!" instead.
- If you need to correct a child use "and" and not "but." For example if a child has written something with spelling errors that need to be corrected, say "I like what you have written AND you need to correct these errors."
- Describe what needs to be done or what you see:
"You need to put your backpack in the cupboard." Not "Please" or "I need you to ..." If a child reacts to authority and resists, like saying "So?", Say "Backpacks belong in the cupboard."
- Discipline is about YOU not about ME. Never use 'I' and 'We'.
Rules are for everyone, but some need an adult companion or small expectations to be successful. Get to know your children but everyone follows the rules. Some do more, some do less, but all do.
Sample rule: "If you play, you pick up."
Child says this "I didn't use this." Reply "It doesn't matter what you did, all I want to know is that you will pick up." If the child says "I don't want to!" Reply "You can go on with your life when you pick up."
Child says "I don't think I should have to." DON'T SAY "I don't care what you think", because the child hears "I don't care about you." Reply "It doesn't matter, all I want to know is will you help."
If a child harms another physically, DON'T SAY "We do not hit," or "I will not tolerate hitting," as it will happen again. Say "You do not have the right to harm others with words or hands unless you are in danger. What will you do to make amends." Children can usually tell you what they will do to make amends.
Remember that inanimate objects talk to children. Accept it!
Take care that you do not watch your children fail. It's much easier to do that you may think.
If it's a child's work to pick up the toys before dinner at six, don't sit and watch them not do ("forget") the task. Help them remember: "Have you remembered that the toys must be picked up before dinner?" Ask them if they need help. If you feel you can't help: "I'm too busy cooking the meal to help. It's her job after all," then change the work or the time of the work so that you can find time to help.
You are not breaking any rules when you help a child meet your deadlines!
Do not get angry about behaviour, this teaches children that their world is not safe.
For example if a child throws or misuses scissors. Say "Your behaviour worries me, because no-one should get hurt." If the child is unable to control themselves and you know it, say "You need to come and get me when you want to use scissors." Do not ask children for things they cannot do.
Some things are too big for a child and must be broken down into small tasks and taught. "Go and tidy your room." is way too big for most young children. "Let me show you how to tidy your room ..."
- "Go tidy your room" is not genetically encoded.
Don't worry about disciplining children in front of others. Other children who were thinking of doing the same get may get the message vicariously.
A difficult subject is meeting children's needs. In the West we often seem to believe that if we meet a need it will become a larger need.
So for example, if a child is manipulating us for attention (whining, crying, misbehaving etc) then we should pay attention to the child AND teach them an appropriate method for getting that attention. If the child's need for attention is appropriately met, the need will not grow and the child will not demand more and more attention (it may be so in the very short term,) the need will be satisfied and fall into proportion.
Children must have boundaries.
Studies have shown that in a playground, if there is a fence children play to the edge, but if there is no fence they huddle in the middle, except for the couple who run away. Children need clear boundaries.
Children should NOT be praised for their successes, because then their self-esteem arises from praise. They should be praised because they exist! Nearly all praise should come just from the fact that the child exists. Children need to know that mistakes are as valuable as successes, because that is how they get better at what they are learning.
Children will clearly show you when they have attached self-worth to success, because they will blame others or make excuses when they don't succeed.
Be careful how you greet children. Avoid saying "How was your day?" or "What did you do today?" Rather greet a child by saying "I'm so happy to see you. I've missed you." Then the child will tell you how their day was, if they want to. This way you are complimenting their existence and not their accomplishments.
Don't say "I am proud of you," say "I am proud to be your teacher/Mum/Dad"
Think hard about what is now the common way of separating the child from the deed. "I like you, but not what you did." The child cannot really be separated from their deeds.
Do not hug a child for good deeds, hug them because they exist. You love them whether they have been good or bad.
If a child asks "Was I bad?" Reply "It's not my job to tell you if you are good or bad, I just know hitting is wrong and you must make amends." Or if the child says "Did I do well?" Reply "It's not my job to tell you if you are good or bad, I just really enjoyed the way you played the piano."
Children do not always have to be happy. They should be upset with themselves if they make a bad decision. This eventually builds up the capacity to make good decisions. "As you change your behaviour, you will feel better about yourself."
Some miscellaneous things:
READ TO YOUR CHILDREN. Every day if you can. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
- Don't tie household chores to allowances. Chores are done because children are a part of the household.
- Families should sit down round a table and eat together at least five days a week.
Talk to each other. Children love to talk when your attention is focused elsewhere - e.g. when you a driving or when you are washing dishes together (you don't have to use the dishwasher!)
- No more than one organized activity at a time, for each child.
- Playing ball in the backyard is just as important, if not more, as an organized sport. It allows creativity.
- Make time for creativity. Just plain old downtime with nothing to do and nothing planned.
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